Single Girl Snippet: I Want to Learn From You

Excerpt from a conversation between me (M) and a coworker (C) over apps and drinks:

C: So, what do you think are the key things people need to discuss before getting married?
M: Uh, I don't think I have much advice to offer on marriage seeing as how I am currently getting divorced.
C: No, I think you have interesting things to say. I want to learn from you. So, what would you put on the list?
M: Ummm, okay -- well first, you should talk about finances. Figure out where on the spend-save spectrum each of you are. Also, how you plan to prioritize your expenses.
C: I'm a spender.
M: As long as he's ok with that and you can still pay your bills, then it doesn't need to be an issue.
C: Alright, what else would you include?
M: You need to talk about kids and family. And by that, I mean whether or not to have kids, who will take care of them, how much time you each intend to devote to raising your family. After the birth of baby #1 is not the time to discover that you each were each expecting the other to take parental leave or stay home with kids permanently. And, you need to talk about how much of a priority extended family will be in your lives. A mismatch can potentially create some resentment -- ie. your partner may not want to go to your family functions every single weekend, or vice versa.
C: I like that... Next?
M: Ummm... religion. Religion as it relates to each of you, and especially as it relates to how you intend to raise your kids. If you are expecting your potential spouse to go to synagogue/mass/temple/whatever with you and the kids every week, you should probably clear that with them.
C: Anything else? I'm listening. This is really interesting.
M: Life goals, hopes, dreams. You need to support each other for these types of projects. If you're really mismatched -- ie. one of you wants to live on an ashram in India and the other wants to stay in their downtown Toronto condo -- resentment can build and lead to big conflict. This isn't to say that there isn't room for compromise, but just that any big projects that you think are critical to your sense of self need to be put on the table up front. And similarly, you should talk about your general expectations from each other regarding things like gender roles, household tasks, time devoted to activities outside the relationship.
C: That's a great list!
M: Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.


Anyone have anything to add to the list?

Single Girl Snippet: You're Going to Be OK

 

Excerpt from a conversation with a friend (F) recently over tea.

F: You've really changed in the last couple months.
M: Really?
F: Yeah, a couple months ago, you were so sad. And whenever you talked about the future, you always stressed a big IF: IF I ever meet someone, IF I ever remarry...
M: I've been working hard on the personal growth stuff.
F: It shows.
M: Thanks.
F: It's nice to see that you are finally starting to believe what the rest of us have known all along: you're going to be ok.

Meditation Update: Midway Through the Month

September was supposed to be my month of meditation. Now that we are at the midway point, I can tell you that I failed. I tried setting an alarm. I started reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe Living. I left my yoga mat out in the livingroom to encourage a moment of deep contemplation.


From Amazon.ca

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Solution: I bought a 3-month yoga pass a few days ago.

The plan is to stop at the studio for a class on the way home from work. Apparently, I am not of the DIY variety when it comes to meditation. However, after stretching for an hour, I manage to relax and meditate at the studio. Having someone use their yogic voice to remind me "Now, relax the big toe....the ankle...the leg..." doesn't hurt, either. Bonus, I've noticed an improvement in the quality of my sleep. And - at the risk of sounding like a total hippie - I actually feel much more peaceful. Apparently, changes in the brain can be seen on imaging only one week after starting a meditation process. It'll be interesting to see what the effects of this 3-mt stint of yoga/meditation will do.

Image from the Open Clip Art Library

Single Girl Snippet: Personal Training

My gym pass included a free personal training session.

Excerpt from conversation between me (M) and my personal trainer (P):

P: So what exactly do you want?
M: You mean like goals for this program?
P: Yes.
M: Well, better overall fitness. And, I'd like to lose ten pounds.
P: What?! You don't have ten pounds to lose. You have the body of a marathoner.
M: Uh, thanks, that's nice of you to say.

About five minutes later...

P: So, would you want to run a marathon?
M: Maybe. It's something I've considered. I've done half-marathons before, but not a whole one. A lot of my friends are marathoners, so sometimes I think it would be fun to join them.
P: Totally. You know, if you lost ten pounds and trained hard, you could do a marathon.

First Solo Wedding

www.openclipart.org

One of my closest friends just got married this past weekend. I had RSVP'd months ago -- sans +1.
I was a little nervous about going to a wedding. It wasn't that many years ago that I was a bride myself. The last couple weddings I attended with my husband, I cried on the way home wishing that he and I could somehow recapture the happiness we had once shared. So, I was worried this might be quite the salt-in-wound experience. I decided to drive by myself so that if I became an emotional basketcase, I had an easy escape.

And then the unexpected happened: I had an absolute ball at this wedding.

I had my hair done that morning and wore a new dress. I felt great. Friends I hadn't seen in months were at the wedding with their husbands, and I was so thrilled to see them again. I ate. I danced. I smiled.

As I looked around at the beautiful landscape and all the happy people, I felt a genuine, profound happiness for the newlyweds. And at that moment, I was overcome with a reassuring feeling that I, too, will find love again.

The Broken Water Heater: Evidence of Progress

I stepped into the shower half asleep the other day, and very abruptly discovered that my hot water heater had broken. As I creatively maneuvred my body to minimize contact with the cold water while still managing to rinse out the shampoo from my hair, I remember thinking this is not that big of a deal. I certainly didn't enjoy the experience (I'm the type of person who not infrequently wears a sweater in July), but it didn't register on my radar as something to flip out about. The actual tank is in another tenant's apartment. It's not like I could go take a peek at it and see if there were any clues as to why I no longer had hot water. This was completely out of my control.

Once at work, I emailed my landlord, assuming he would deal with it. There are perks to renting, and not having to deal with repairs and maintenance are among them. He told me to contact the hot water tank rental company, and then coordinate with the other tenant for the repairman to have access to the tank. Though still convinced this issue fell squarely on the 'not my problem' list, I called the hot water tank company (HW):

M: Hi! The hot water tank I am renting from you seems to have broken.
HW: I can send someone to take a look at it today.
M: Great! Here's the issue though - it's not actually in my apartment.
HW: Do you have access to it?
M: Nope. It's in someone else's apartment. My landlord wanted me to call you directly though.
HW: When can I send someone then?
M: I guess it would be up to the other tenant. Listen, can I ask you a hot water tank etiquette question?
HW: Sure.
M: Normally in situations like these, do you typically deal with the landlord because that's who has a key to access the hot water tank?
HW: Typically, yes.
M: So if I call my landlord back and tell him that you would prefer to deal with him directly, that's kosher?
HW: Yeah.
M: Great. Thanks so much! You've been very helpful.

I hung up, and emailed my landlord back informing him that this little issue was indeed his problem. He then (begrudgingly, I suspect) dealt with the hot water people and (finally) got the repair done a few days later. Luckily, the timing coincided with me being out of town for the weekend, so I only had to deal with cold showers before work twice.

All this to say that I am slowly learning two things:

1 - Most things in life are not worth getting worked up over. Though not having hot water is problematic, far worse things can happen.

2 - Don't be afraid to ask for what you want/ Just because someone else says it's your problem, doesn't mean it actually is your problem. In the past, I'm sure I would have taken my landlord's initial instruction to coordinate with the other tenant at face value. This would have meant needing to be home when the repair guy came, making lots of phone calls, etc, etc. A little initiative on my part meant that I was free to enjoy a weekend away visiting family and friends while someone else (who cashes a sizable cheque from me monthly) dealt with the hot water tank.

Thought Bite: Choosing Happiness

Single Girl Snippet: The Guy with the Dandelion Greens

Click here to read about dandelion greens

Being somewhat new to the city, I'm still on the hunt for the ultimate grocery shop. I am a bit of a health-nut foodie, so finding quality fresh produce at a good price is paramount. My little quest took me to a store in a yuppie neighbourhood over the weekend.

While selecting my organic greens for the week (half price!!!), I couldn't help but notice that the guy a few metres down from me was carefully scrutinizing the dandelion greens. He eventually settled on what appeared to be a fairly healthy-looking bunch from my vantage point, and placed them in his basket beside his cantaloupe. Very impressive. Also, I couldn't help but notice that Mr. Dandelion is, uh, pretty easy on the eyes. Like maybe he does modeling on the side - that kind of attractive.

The store itself was rather cramped, so Mr. D. was always a few metres ahead as we zig-zagged through the dry goods. I eventually skipped an aisle, which brought me to the cash first. Of the four line ups, he chose to stand behind me. Okay, so now I have this very attractive guy standing like a foot away. Whistling along with the radio. So, he's a confident, happy, very attractive guy. It would have been an entirely appropriate time to start a conversation. But, I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. Plus, I'm actually standing at the cash in spandex shorts, a sleeveless top that leaves a small gap before my shorts start, ballcap, and four small waterbottles anchored to my waist. It made perfect sense to me that morning to map my 10K run to end at the grocery store; I didn't exactly expect to run into Mr. D. Yeah, so essentially, I'm there in my sweaty spandex holding three tubs of organic greens in one hand and red wine vinegar in the other. Not exactly at my sexiest and most confident I have to say.

So, I toss out the following:
1 - What would you have done?
2 - What would have been a good conversation starter?

At-Home Workouts

After realizing I was spending as much time commuting to/from the gym as I was exercising, I decided to cancel my gym membership. The plan is to workout mostly from home, and then hopefully convert the time savings into more sleep and meditation time.

The components of my at-home fitness routine will include:

1. Bodyweight workouts
I found some interesting workout plans online. One is a "Boot Camp" style workout that looks interesting (link here)

Click here for link to boot camp workout.

2. Yoga
Yoga practice at home was previously discussed here. My favourite style is Sivananda. A typical Sivananda class lasts 90-120 minutes. Each class will include breathing exercises (pranayama), sun salutations, and a specific sequence of 12 postures (asanas). I'm hoping to get through the sequence a couple times/week on my own at home.

Sivananda Sequence

 3. Running
I'm trying to run 4 days/week. Two of these days, I join the free practice sessions at the Running Room. If I manage to stick with it, I'll sign up for a half marathon clinic that runs through the winter.

Ok, so there we go. I put it out there, so now I am accountable. I hope I stick with it and discover more sleep, a better body, and my inner zen.

Wish me luck!

Single Girl Snippet: 5 Dresses

My favourite new dress

Embarrassing confession: I bought five dresses on my way home from work yesterday. This totally violates my minimalist aspirations. However, I succumbed to the temptation because:
1) My summer work wardrobe was nearly non-existent. The last few summers, I worked in air conditioned environments and just made do with my fall/spring clothes. This summer, I am working in a hot building.
2) I found a great sale.
Ok, the first two reasons are just me rationalizing... the real reason I bought five dresses:
3) They make me feel pretty.

Excerpt from cell phone conversation with my mother (O) post purchase. I am standing at one of the busiest intersections in the city.

M: Hi Mom! Guess what I just did?
O: What?
M: Bought five dresses. Like, today. Just now.
O: Seriously?! My daughter?!
M: Yupper. True story.
O: I'm proud of you.
M: Thanks. My little shopping spree came to $200 with tax. Regular price would have been closer to $500. Apparently these dresses are designer dresses from up and coming people.
O: I never thought I would see this day.
M: Yeah, and you know what, I'm discovering I kind of like wearing heels sometimes.
O: Wow!
M: Enough that I may have to buy a second pair to keep my plain black office heels company.

The conversation continued along those lines, and then finally my mom closed with:
O: Well, I'm just SO GLAD you called RIGHT AWAY with this GREAT news!!!

That's right, you know you're a little fashion-challenged when your mom thinks the announcement of a shopping spree is great news.



Another purchase

This is one of the two dresses I bought last week (yeah, as in not part of this week's 5 dress spree...)
I now have enough dresses I could wear a different one every day of the week.
Pretty crazy.