Not Part of My Tribe

Wikipedia photo of a Masai tribe

The following is a quote from Dr. Lissa Rankin's blog:

The way I see it, sharing my imperfections with you is kind of the perfect screening tool. In other words, I’m not trying to please everyone. I only care about pleasing my people – and if you read this post and decide you don’t like me anymore, then you’re not part of my tribe. Good for both of us to know, right?

Her words really resonated with me. I consider myself a recovering people pleaser. This isn't to say that overnight I've become horrendously selfish or anything like that. It just means that I am trying to shift my focus to following my inner compass a little more closely rather than trying to be everything to everyone all the time.

Any thoughts?

Thought Bite: Purpose and Meaning

http://deliciousquotes.net/wp-content/uploads/inspirational-quotes-153.jpg

Bloom

A few days after moving into my new apartment, I received a notice that a parcel from Amazon had arrived for me and was being held at the Post Office. Packages from Amazon are like Christmas for me. The odd thing was, though, that I hadn't ordered anything from Amazon in a while.

I brought the slip to the post office. Sure enough there was a parcel with my name on it. I excitedly tore open the parcel right away. Inside was a copy of Kelle Hampton's book Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected.

There was also a note:

I hope that in all the excitement of moving, you haven't had a chance to go out and buy your own copy yet. Consider this a bit of a housewarming and heart warming gift.

Thinking of you.

It was from a childhood friend. We email a few times/year and try to visit at least once/year. She had phoned me a few weeks prior to my big move to my current city, and had been stunned to find out that I was in the early stages of divorce proceedings. Bloom was just the medicine I needed at that time in my life. I was so incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.

Though the book focuses on the Hampton family's journey after discovering daughter Nella has Down Syndrome, there are life lessons for anyone who is living an unexpected transition and wants a little inspiration to keep their head up in the midst of the storm. Bloom is now one of my all-time favourite books. I am already looking forward to reading it again.

I mention this story now because I am reflecting on the importance of reaching out to the people around me, especially those who might be feeling a little more fragile these days. I know that I can tell you exactly who reached out to me in the first few months after my separation, and how incredibly indebted to them I will feel forever. I was so beyond blessed to have the family and friend support that I did (and still do!). Often, I wonder how I managed to be so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life!

Anyhow, all of this to say that when someone is going through a life-defining moment (good or bad), it's a time when just 'being there' for them is so important. A little kindness in moments like these goes a very long way. And so, I am going to keep my eyes and ears open this month for opportunities to pay forward the huge cosmic debt of love I owe to the world.

Thought Bite: Friendship

Excerpt from Kelle Hampton's blog:

Q: I know you didn't grow up in Florida and yet you have this wonderful and extensive circle of close girlfriends. What are your tips for making new friends in a new place? While I have made some lovely new friends in my not-so-new area, I struggle with creating those super close friendships like the ones I left behind.

A: My closest friendships involve vulnerability, honesty, and effort. If you want to get past the "what brand of sippy cup do you use?" level of friendship, you have to make efforts. Have a dinner party. Put yourself out there. Tell your story. Ask to hear your friend's. Meaningful friendships mean you have to talk about meaningful things. My deepest friendships have evolved with being vulnerable, with making mistakes, with communicating through good and bad, with accepting that sometimes we are different, with honestly expressing my weaknesses and asking for support, and with making efforts to spend time with friends who make me feel good.

Letting Yourself Be Loved

As I have alluded to previously, the first few months of 2012 were marked by a number of non-divorce crises in addition to the breakdown of my marriage. I remember painfully joking to a friend of mine at one point that getting divorced was #4 on my list of acute stressors. Historically, I have not been one to talk much about problems in my life. Rather, I typically played the role of listener or counsellor when people around me hit a rocky season in their own lives. However, the cumulation of the crises of 2012 brought me unsettlingly close to my breaking point. And this is when I did something very radical: when someone I trusted asked me how I was doing, I gave them an honest answer.

And you know, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I learned very quickly that I was surrounded by more love, acceptance, and support than I realized. I was hugged when I cried; reassured when I doubted myself. At a time when I wasn't sure how I would make it though, some very beautiful people offered to carry me. And because of the love shown to me, I managed to keep my head above water as the storm blew past.

Today, I am challenging each of you to reflect on the following thought from Calling in "The One" (more on this wonderful book in future weeks):

For love, by definition, happens when it is safe to be flawed in the presence of another... It is never our perfections that makes us lovable, but rather our shortcomings and our perfectly imperfect imperfections.

Spreading Sunshine

After my yoga class the other day, I stopped for some tofu takeout. While waiting for my brown rice and sprouts, an older Indian gentleman came into the restaurant. “Hello my prrrrrincess!” he jubilantly exclaimed to the cashier, his accent quite pronounced. “How are you today?” She smiled and replied she was very busy. “Oh, keeping busy is a very good thing” he said. He paid for his tofu, turned to me and said “And a very good night to you, my dear!”  And with that, he left the restaurant. He was practically skipping. The cashier was smiling. I was smiling. Anyone within earshot of the whole happy exchange was smiling.

Happiness is contagious.

September: The Non-Tangibles

If I really commit to this month's projects, I suspect I am going to experience some fairly significant growing pains. I've labelled September as the month of "The Non-Tangibles." I have spent the last few months working on aspects of myself that are visible to the outside world -- organization, healthy habits, recreation. This month is really about personal growth on the inside.

To keep myself accountable, I am going to reveal my projects now:

1. Work on resolving my existential crisis
a) Getting divorced as a young Catholic has really brought up some big questions about my faith.
b) Over the last year, I have seen some really terrible things happen to some really wonderful people. The lack of cosmic justice doesn't sit well.

2. Ripple effect
I want to work on becoming a kinder, gentler soul so that I can spread a little sunshine in the world around me.

3. Really listening to my inner compass
Too often, I get caught up in what I feel I ought to do according to other people rather than doing what feels right for me. I think regular meditation would be a good start to fixing this.

4. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude
I try to make a point of sharing the nice things I think about people, but there's room for improvement. This month seems like a good time for that.


5. Create more time for the things I enjoy.
And, conversely, stop spending so much time procrastinating about getting the things I don't enjoy doing done.


Other projects may come up, but the above are likely to be the primary foci of the month.

Thoughts and suggestions welcome.

Exploration Wrap-Up

August has been so interesting!

Highlights of my month of exploration have included:
-Attending a yoga class with 2000+ other yoginis
-Buying a dehydrator
-Swing dancing
-Attending my first meditation class
-Painting again
-Hosting my coworkers for apps and drinks


I also attended karate classes for a few weeks before realizing that the experience was causing me a fair amount of stress. I was dreading going to class because I hated being yelled at and harshly criticized. So, I decided to tuck the "get my black belt in karate" project on the backburner for now. I am currently in a season of my life where my extra-curricular activities need to be things that bring peace and happiness to my life.

The biggest change in me this month is that I am now much more comfortable attending classes or functions solo. I often invite friends to join in whatever project I have dream up; but, I'm always ready to just go on my own. I don't want to miss out on something just because of social insecurity. I'm also being braver socially. A year ago, I don't think I would have been the one driving the social activity within my work group. But, by sticking my neck out a little, I've discovered that I work with some really great people that I now consider friends. 

I am happier and feel more like myself than I have in years.

Thought Bite: Right Places

Image source

 

So, I married the wrong guy.

However, in navigating the fallout of my marriage, I am discovering a strength and boldness within me I never knew was there. I am more in tune with who I am now than ever before.

Happily ever after may very well be just around the corner...

Painting

How I spent the afternoon

During this month of exploration, I have taken the opportunity to rediscover things I onced loved dearly. Today's project was to paint on a canvas.


As a child, I loved to draw. Art was my favourite subject in high school. College gave me the opportunity to continue refining my skills. Then, I stopped doing art cold turkey. I had met my future husband, and there just didn't seem to be enough hours left in the day to devote to such unproductive activities like art. I mean, it wasn't like I was going to be the next van Gogh or anything. But, the lure of sculpting and painting never really left me. So, when I saw an easel and canvases on sale, I splurged.

 When I got home, I set up my easel and canvas and just stared at it. The fear of painting something not good enough made me hesitant to put a pencil to my perfectly blank slate. I felt like I needed to paint something grandiose, something that would pay hommage to the years I spent taking art lessons. Something truly great. It was a lot of pressure. The whole issue became stressful, so I put the project on the backburner for a while.

Then, while out jogging, I spotted something in an art gallery window that looked like this:

This is actually a much more polished version of what I saw.
The real deal looks like crayon scribbled on yellowed, partly torn paper.

This is when it occurred to me that of all hobbies to give up because of feeling not good enough, painting is a pretty ridiculous choice. Clearly, there is room for everyone in this field - as evidenced by the crayon-on-torn-paper work on sale around the corner. I also realized that this time around, no one was going to be evaluating my portfolio. I was doing this for me. I didn't need to slave for weeks over creating a photorealist depiction of some stupid fruit bowl. And you know what I enjoy painting most? Abstract designs. I love plotting out colour schemes on a colour wheel. I love watching the colours blend together when I mix them on my palette. I love seeing the effect colours have on each other when applied next to one another on a canvas. This is precisely the kind of art my ex-husband would deam "not real art." (As an aside, he also considers Renoir "a hack" and nearly got us thrown out of an art gallery for being a wee bit too vocal about this opinion a few years ago.)

Boating on the Seine by Renoir

Anyhow, I decided to give myself permission to paint what I wanted rather than what I felt I should. This was the result: