Calling In The One: Fire in the Kitchen Sink

Setting a fire in my kitchen sink was definitely the most therapeutic of all the exercise in my Calling in the One journey.
For anyone who isn't into setting fires, the option of tearing the paper, stomping on the paper, or burying the paper is available. But, for me, this was a 'go big or go home' moment. Burning the paper has a sort of finality that the tearing/stomping/burying of the paper does not offer.

So, what was on this paper, you may wonder?

Make two columns. On the left, you include I RELEASE sentences. On the right, write out a matching I EMBRACE sentence. For example, I RELEASE the hope that the past could have been otherwise. I EMBRACE a future filled with joy and love.

I had four full pages.

I cut horizontal lines so that I had a pile of paper strips, each one containing its matching I RELEASE/I EMBRACE sentences. Then I burned them all one by one. It felt good.

And, the next morning, I woke up feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Calling In the One: Fairy Tale Ending

 

One of the exercises that I was most skeptical of during my Calling in the One odyssey was writing a fairy tale featuring yourself. But, I was committed to the process laid out in the book. I opened my journal to a fresh page:

One upon a time there was a princess. She was kind of nerdy, but a nice girl overall. In the kingdom, there also lived a dragon. He was a very arrogant, nasty piece of dragon.

Long story short: Dragon pretends to be a nice prince. Princess falls in love with him. Then, she finds out he tricked her. She gets REALLY mad. Dragon gets banished from the kingdom. AND THEN, a wonderfully tenderhearted, drop-dead gorgeous, incredibly intelligent prince arrives and sweeps the princess off her feet. He thinks the princess is beautiful, very smart, and loves how caring she is towards others. The prince also believes in equal division of household chores. They fall madly in love with each other, get married, and have beautiful, healthy babies. Princess then masters the art of baking Dora-shaped birthday cakes.

Sigh... What a great story.

Anyhow, it was actually kind of therapeutic to write it all out. Granted, I felt kind of silly initially. But, in the end, the effort was worth it. So, I toss out the challenge to all of you readers out there to write out your own fairytale ending. Maybe your 'prince' looks like a dream job, or a dream opportunity, or whatever. Jazz it up. Make yourself be a stellar character. It's a fairy tale, after all.

And they all lived happily ever after...

Calling in the One: Room for Two

Above is a picture of my favourite mug. One of my many quirks is that I eat out of a mug more often than I use a plate. This mug is made by Corningwear and is more bowl-sized than mug really. My first bowl-mug was a gift from an uncle years ago. Sadly, I dropped it a while back and it broke. However, the happy ending to that story is that just recently I spotted said Corningwear mug on sale at a department store. Deciding to buy one bowl-mug was a no-brainer. The debate was whether to buy two of them. You see, I was on the "Make room for two"lesson of Calling in the One at the time. Apparently, if you want to attract a life mate, you need to make room in your living space for them and act like they are already part of your life. If I meet Mr. Right tomorrow and he starts spending a lot of time here, then - and I'm embarrassed to admit this - I don't really want to share my bowl-mug. If I get up in the morning, and I can't have my grain-free cereal in my bowl-mug because someone left it dirty in the sink, well, that would be a very sad way to start the day. On the other hand, I've been making a conscientious effort to keep clutter to a minimum in my apartment since moving in. Buying a second mug with the intention of leaving it unused in the cupboard seemed a little counterintuitive. But, in the end, I decided to bite the bullet and just do as the book instructed.

Just in case the mug wasn't enough, I also bought extra hangers. Then, I bought extra clothes and needed to use the extra hangers. So, I bought even more hangers. I only used a few of the second batch. The rest are ready and waiting for either Mr. Right, or my next shopping spree - whichever comes first. Mr. Right wasn't get very much closet space. He does, however, get a small amount of space (one sixteenth) of my Expedit bookshelf/clothes storage system. I mean, really, it's not like I'm going to keep half the closet bare and half my storage space open. (And, let's be honest, how many couples out there really have a 50/50 division of closet space anyways? That's right, not very many.)

Hopefully the mug + hangers + shelf space is enough spacial karma to attract Mr. Right. Time will tell.

Calling In the One: The Post-Its

One of the first exercises I did from Calling in the One (Katherine Woodward Thomas) involved developing a list of 'Essence Qualities.' First, you make a list of words want to anchor yourself to. Some of the words on my list included: healing, joy, love, courage, honesty, forgiveness... Next, you transform the words into affirming sentences. For example, Joy became My life is filled with joy and laughter.

These affirming sentences should then be transfered to Post-It notes. I had some jazzy yellow, orange, and pink ones. The Post-It's should be featured prominently within your living space. I placed mine along the edge of my bedroom bookcase. Then, read them every day for a while. Make sure you pick good stuff so that it's fun to read. It doesn't have to true per se. You just have to want it to be true - you know something you aspire to. As you can see from my photo, I worked on releasing the past. I also had one that said I am beautiful. Definitely include that one in your collection. It's nice to read that you're beautiful every day.

Calling in the One

I've recently worked my way through a wonderful book called Calling in the One. As you can see from the cover, the book promises "7 weeks to attract the love of your life." I'm still single, but have no regrets having spent the $14.56 Amazon charged me for the book.

Working through the Calling in the One was a huge turning point for me. This isn't to say that now I'm, you know, built of teflon and all reminders of my marriage just glide off. Not at all. I still have a mini-meltdown every now and again (particularly on days involving interactions with lawyers). However, now I have a lot more insight into why things didn't work out with my husband, and the person I want to be when I emerge from all this mess. Essentially, the person I "called in" was myself. This is important. You can't think of eventually building a relationship with someone else until you are well acquainted (and at peace with) yourself.

In the next few days, I will share some of the more comical moments of this little adventure. The book indicated that you get out of it what you put in, and I wanted to squeeze every last drop of wisdom out of its pages. So, even when skeptical, I followed the exercises. I laughed, I cried. I did things I never would have done otherwise (e.g. setting a fire in my kitchen sink).

Enjoy.

Thought Bite: Imperfections

Your Inner Pilot Light & the 90/10 Rule

A couple months ago, I started following Dr. Lissa Rankin's blog. One of her recurring themes is that of the Inner Pilot Light, which she describes as:

that ever-radiant, always-sparkly, 100% authentic, totally effervescent spark that lies at the core of you. ... This part of you always knows which choice to choose, how to heal yourself when you’re sick, and whether to trust someone or not. Your Inner Pilot Light knows exactly what you like, loves boundlessly but selectively, discriminates between what is and isn’t authentic to your inner nature, and has the 411 on how to connect straight to Source. Your Inner Pilot Light guides the path, lights the way, navigates the journey, and asks only that you trust the process.

Your Inner Pilot Light is the essence of who you really are.

Since starting my "year to be my best self" project, I've been trying to reconnect with my inner pilot light. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don't. What I am discovering in the process is that there is a lot of truth to the "90/10" rule: 10% of life is what happens to you, and 90% is what you make of it.
In recent weeks, I often wake up feeling like I have sunbeams shooting out of my heart. And, I know this change is genuine because when I got stuck at work til 8pm on Friday and missed my 5:45 yoga class, I was still smiling and warmly wishing the night shift a wonderful weekend when I left. It is so empowering to feel like you are really presenting your authentic self to the world. I feel so much more confident sharing my opinion, and this has actually really enriched the relationships in my life - both professionally and personall.



Anyone else out there a 90/10 type? Or, anyone thinking of moving in that direction? What are your thoughts on the inner pilot light?

Single Girl Snippet: I Want to Learn From You

Excerpt from a conversation between me (M) and a coworker (C) over apps and drinks:

C: So, what do you think are the key things people need to discuss before getting married?
M: Uh, I don't think I have much advice to offer on marriage seeing as how I am currently getting divorced.
C: No, I think you have interesting things to say. I want to learn from you. So, what would you put on the list?
M: Ummm, okay -- well first, you should talk about finances. Figure out where on the spend-save spectrum each of you are. Also, how you plan to prioritize your expenses.
C: I'm a spender.
M: As long as he's ok with that and you can still pay your bills, then it doesn't need to be an issue.
C: Alright, what else would you include?
M: You need to talk about kids and family. And by that, I mean whether or not to have kids, who will take care of them, how much time you each intend to devote to raising your family. After the birth of baby #1 is not the time to discover that you each were each expecting the other to take parental leave or stay home with kids permanently. And, you need to talk about how much of a priority extended family will be in your lives. A mismatch can potentially create some resentment -- ie. your partner may not want to go to your family functions every single weekend, or vice versa.
C: I like that... Next?
M: Ummm... religion. Religion as it relates to each of you, and especially as it relates to how you intend to raise your kids. If you are expecting your potential spouse to go to synagogue/mass/temple/whatever with you and the kids every week, you should probably clear that with them.
C: Anything else? I'm listening. This is really interesting.
M: Life goals, hopes, dreams. You need to support each other for these types of projects. If you're really mismatched -- ie. one of you wants to live on an ashram in India and the other wants to stay in their downtown Toronto condo -- resentment can build and lead to big conflict. This isn't to say that there isn't room for compromise, but just that any big projects that you think are critical to your sense of self need to be put on the table up front. And similarly, you should talk about your general expectations from each other regarding things like gender roles, household tasks, time devoted to activities outside the relationship.
C: That's a great list!
M: Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.


Anyone have anything to add to the list?

Meditation Update: Midway Through the Month

September was supposed to be my month of meditation. Now that we are at the midway point, I can tell you that I failed. I tried setting an alarm. I started reading Jon Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe Living. I left my yoga mat out in the livingroom to encourage a moment of deep contemplation.


From Amazon.ca

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Solution: I bought a 3-month yoga pass a few days ago.

The plan is to stop at the studio for a class on the way home from work. Apparently, I am not of the DIY variety when it comes to meditation. However, after stretching for an hour, I manage to relax and meditate at the studio. Having someone use their yogic voice to remind me "Now, relax the big toe....the ankle...the leg..." doesn't hurt, either. Bonus, I've noticed an improvement in the quality of my sleep. And - at the risk of sounding like a total hippie - I actually feel much more peaceful. Apparently, changes in the brain can be seen on imaging only one week after starting a meditation process. It'll be interesting to see what the effects of this 3-mt stint of yoga/meditation will do.

Image from the Open Clip Art Library

First Solo Wedding

www.openclipart.org

One of my closest friends just got married this past weekend. I had RSVP'd months ago -- sans +1.
I was a little nervous about going to a wedding. It wasn't that many years ago that I was a bride myself. The last couple weddings I attended with my husband, I cried on the way home wishing that he and I could somehow recapture the happiness we had once shared. So, I was worried this might be quite the salt-in-wound experience. I decided to drive by myself so that if I became an emotional basketcase, I had an easy escape.

And then the unexpected happened: I had an absolute ball at this wedding.

I had my hair done that morning and wore a new dress. I felt great. Friends I hadn't seen in months were at the wedding with their husbands, and I was so thrilled to see them again. I ate. I danced. I smiled.

As I looked around at the beautiful landscape and all the happy people, I felt a genuine, profound happiness for the newlyweds. And at that moment, I was overcome with a reassuring feeling that I, too, will find love again.

The Broken Water Heater: Evidence of Progress

I stepped into the shower half asleep the other day, and very abruptly discovered that my hot water heater had broken. As I creatively maneuvred my body to minimize contact with the cold water while still managing to rinse out the shampoo from my hair, I remember thinking this is not that big of a deal. I certainly didn't enjoy the experience (I'm the type of person who not infrequently wears a sweater in July), but it didn't register on my radar as something to flip out about. The actual tank is in another tenant's apartment. It's not like I could go take a peek at it and see if there were any clues as to why I no longer had hot water. This was completely out of my control.

Once at work, I emailed my landlord, assuming he would deal with it. There are perks to renting, and not having to deal with repairs and maintenance are among them. He told me to contact the hot water tank rental company, and then coordinate with the other tenant for the repairman to have access to the tank. Though still convinced this issue fell squarely on the 'not my problem' list, I called the hot water tank company (HW):

M: Hi! The hot water tank I am renting from you seems to have broken.
HW: I can send someone to take a look at it today.
M: Great! Here's the issue though - it's not actually in my apartment.
HW: Do you have access to it?
M: Nope. It's in someone else's apartment. My landlord wanted me to call you directly though.
HW: When can I send someone then?
M: I guess it would be up to the other tenant. Listen, can I ask you a hot water tank etiquette question?
HW: Sure.
M: Normally in situations like these, do you typically deal with the landlord because that's who has a key to access the hot water tank?
HW: Typically, yes.
M: So if I call my landlord back and tell him that you would prefer to deal with him directly, that's kosher?
HW: Yeah.
M: Great. Thanks so much! You've been very helpful.

I hung up, and emailed my landlord back informing him that this little issue was indeed his problem. He then (begrudgingly, I suspect) dealt with the hot water people and (finally) got the repair done a few days later. Luckily, the timing coincided with me being out of town for the weekend, so I only had to deal with cold showers before work twice.

All this to say that I am slowly learning two things:

1 - Most things in life are not worth getting worked up over. Though not having hot water is problematic, far worse things can happen.

2 - Don't be afraid to ask for what you want/ Just because someone else says it's your problem, doesn't mean it actually is your problem. In the past, I'm sure I would have taken my landlord's initial instruction to coordinate with the other tenant at face value. This would have meant needing to be home when the repair guy came, making lots of phone calls, etc, etc. A little initiative on my part meant that I was free to enjoy a weekend away visiting family and friends while someone else (who cashes a sizable cheque from me monthly) dealt with the hot water tank.

Thought Bite: Choosing Happiness

At-Home Workouts

After realizing I was spending as much time commuting to/from the gym as I was exercising, I decided to cancel my gym membership. The plan is to workout mostly from home, and then hopefully convert the time savings into more sleep and meditation time.

The components of my at-home fitness routine will include:

1. Bodyweight workouts
I found some interesting workout plans online. One is a "Boot Camp" style workout that looks interesting (link here)

Click here for link to boot camp workout.

2. Yoga
Yoga practice at home was previously discussed here. My favourite style is Sivananda. A typical Sivananda class lasts 90-120 minutes. Each class will include breathing exercises (pranayama), sun salutations, and a specific sequence of 12 postures (asanas). I'm hoping to get through the sequence a couple times/week on my own at home.

Sivananda Sequence

 3. Running
I'm trying to run 4 days/week. Two of these days, I join the free practice sessions at the Running Room. If I manage to stick with it, I'll sign up for a half marathon clinic that runs through the winter.

Ok, so there we go. I put it out there, so now I am accountable. I hope I stick with it and discover more sleep, a better body, and my inner zen.

Wish me luck!

Thought Bite: Good in the World

Every day, we are surrounded by opportunities to be someone else's sunshine.

Enjoy this video!

Bloom

A few days after moving into my new apartment, I received a notice that a parcel from Amazon had arrived for me and was being held at the Post Office. Packages from Amazon are like Christmas for me. The odd thing was, though, that I hadn't ordered anything from Amazon in a while.

I brought the slip to the post office. Sure enough there was a parcel with my name on it. I excitedly tore open the parcel right away. Inside was a copy of Kelle Hampton's book Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected.

There was also a note:

I hope that in all the excitement of moving, you haven't had a chance to go out and buy your own copy yet. Consider this a bit of a housewarming and heart warming gift.

Thinking of you.

It was from a childhood friend. We email a few times/year and try to visit at least once/year. She had phoned me a few weeks prior to my big move to my current city, and had been stunned to find out that I was in the early stages of divorce proceedings. Bloom was just the medicine I needed at that time in my life. I was so incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.

Though the book focuses on the Hampton family's journey after discovering daughter Nella has Down Syndrome, there are life lessons for anyone who is living an unexpected transition and wants a little inspiration to keep their head up in the midst of the storm. Bloom is now one of my all-time favourite books. I am already looking forward to reading it again.

I mention this story now because I am reflecting on the importance of reaching out to the people around me, especially those who might be feeling a little more fragile these days. I know that I can tell you exactly who reached out to me in the first few months after my separation, and how incredibly indebted to them I will feel forever. I was so beyond blessed to have the family and friend support that I did (and still do!). Often, I wonder how I managed to be so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life!

Anyhow, all of this to say that when someone is going through a life-defining moment (good or bad), it's a time when just 'being there' for them is so important. A little kindness in moments like these goes a very long way. And so, I am going to keep my eyes and ears open this month for opportunities to pay forward the huge cosmic debt of love I owe to the world.

Letting Yourself Be Loved

As I have alluded to previously, the first few months of 2012 were marked by a number of non-divorce crises in addition to the breakdown of my marriage. I remember painfully joking to a friend of mine at one point that getting divorced was #4 on my list of acute stressors. Historically, I have not been one to talk much about problems in my life. Rather, I typically played the role of listener or counsellor when people around me hit a rocky season in their own lives. However, the cumulation of the crises of 2012 brought me unsettlingly close to my breaking point. And this is when I did something very radical: when someone I trusted asked me how I was doing, I gave them an honest answer.

And you know, that was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I learned very quickly that I was surrounded by more love, acceptance, and support than I realized. I was hugged when I cried; reassured when I doubted myself. At a time when I wasn't sure how I would make it though, some very beautiful people offered to carry me. And because of the love shown to me, I managed to keep my head above water as the storm blew past.

Today, I am challenging each of you to reflect on the following thought from Calling in "The One" (more on this wonderful book in future weeks):

For love, by definition, happens when it is safe to be flawed in the presence of another... It is never our perfections that makes us lovable, but rather our shortcomings and our perfectly imperfect imperfections.

Spreading Sunshine

After my yoga class the other day, I stopped for some tofu takeout. While waiting for my brown rice and sprouts, an older Indian gentleman came into the restaurant. “Hello my prrrrrincess!” he jubilantly exclaimed to the cashier, his accent quite pronounced. “How are you today?” She smiled and replied she was very busy. “Oh, keeping busy is a very good thing” he said. He paid for his tofu, turned to me and said “And a very good night to you, my dear!”  And with that, he left the restaurant. He was practically skipping. The cashier was smiling. I was smiling. Anyone within earshot of the whole happy exchange was smiling.

Happiness is contagious.

September: The Non-Tangibles

If I really commit to this month's projects, I suspect I am going to experience some fairly significant growing pains. I've labelled September as the month of "The Non-Tangibles." I have spent the last few months working on aspects of myself that are visible to the outside world -- organization, healthy habits, recreation. This month is really about personal growth on the inside.

To keep myself accountable, I am going to reveal my projects now:

1. Work on resolving my existential crisis
a) Getting divorced as a young Catholic has really brought up some big questions about my faith.
b) Over the last year, I have seen some really terrible things happen to some really wonderful people. The lack of cosmic justice doesn't sit well.

2. Ripple effect
I want to work on becoming a kinder, gentler soul so that I can spread a little sunshine in the world around me.

3. Really listening to my inner compass
Too often, I get caught up in what I feel I ought to do according to other people rather than doing what feels right for me. I think regular meditation would be a good start to fixing this.

4. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude
I try to make a point of sharing the nice things I think about people, but there's room for improvement. This month seems like a good time for that.


5. Create more time for the things I enjoy.
And, conversely, stop spending so much time procrastinating about getting the things I don't enjoy doing done.


Other projects may come up, but the above are likely to be the primary foci of the month.

Thoughts and suggestions welcome.