Single Girl Snippet: How You Know You Have Good Friends

Excerpt from telephone conversation between close friend (C) and me (M):
C: Hey, you got a second?
M: Yeah, for sure.
C: So, your new guy...
M: Yeah?
C: Ok, so he seems really nice and all. But..
M: Mmmhmmm?
C: I Googled him.
M: Oh.
C: Look, obviously what you do is up to you. I just wanted to make sure you were aware.
M: Thanks.


And this is how you know you have good friends.

It would be a easier to not call up your friend in another city after Google-stalking the guy she is casually seeing. However, that's not what my friend did. And for that, I am very grateful. It means she cares. It also means that there are people looking out for me to help prevent a second round of "I married a knucklehead."

Naturally, I had to do my own Google stalking. Then, I had to have a serious heart-to-heart with Sam. All I will say on the issue is that sometimes Google doesn't give you the whole story. That said, Sam is aware that I see the issue in question as a bit of a red flag. So, we've agreed to spend a bit of time getting to know each other, and plan to revisit the issue should things move in the direction of an actual relationship. Conversely, he doesn't need to know all the gory details of my marriage and divorce (which, thank God, are not available via Google) at this time either. Everyone has their baggage.

Single Girl Snippet: Pinch Hitting for the Husband

As some of you may remember, when I moved into my current apartment this summer, I went on a fierce independent furniture-assembling spree. There were shelves, coffee tables, a bed, and a rather large sofa.

Excerpt from a conversation between a male neighbour (N) and me (M) the other day:
N: Is your couch from Ikea, too?
M: Yup. I quite like it, actually. A little tough to put together because the pieces were so big and heavy though.
N: You put it together by yourself?!
M: Obviously. What else was I supposed to do? There was nowhere to sit in my apartment.
N: Why didn't you call me?
M: We had only met once at that point, and it seemed kind of weird to then invite you over to assemble my furniture.
N: You should have called.

One of the many challenges in navigating the transition from 'wife' to 'single girl' are these moments in time when life would just be so much easier if someone with a muscle mass bigger than my own were around. Being fairly stubborn, I generally figure out a way to get around the problem. But, the conversation with my neighbour the other day made reflect on how a) I am prone to making life more complicated than it really needs to be, and b) I am actually surrounded by people who would be happy to pinch hit for the various roles in my life my husband played. The reality is just that in my new life, my best friend, confidant, muscles, shoulder to cry on, advice giver, etc are no longer all the same person. Though it's a bit of a mental gear shift, I'm very grateful to be as well supported as I am.

Looks Like It's 10/12/12

If you were waiting with bated breath after October 12th's post, here is the answer as to whether October 12th would manifest my Mr. Right: nope. In spite of the heels, makeup, and a cute dress, the Universe did not provide.

So, ladies and gentlemen, apparently December 10th, 2012 is going to be the magic day. I'll have to put it in my planner. ;-)

Let's all keep our fingers crossed!

Photo Source

Single Girl Snippet: Was He Flirting With Me? Part 3

"Was He Flirting With Me?" and "UPDATE: Was He Flirting With Me?" are two of the most popular posts on this blog. So, it would appear that you, my dear readers, find my dating life (or, rather, lack thereof, at the moment) quite interesting.

And so, I bring to you what I expect to be the final installment in the "Was He Flirting With Me?" series.

Anyhow, as previously established, yes, he most certainly was flirting with me back a few months ago when we first met. (And by 'he,' I mean my coworker's roommate. Let's call him Sam.)

In the update, I posed the question as to whether it was unethical to consider signing up for Latin dance classes with Sam given that I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. The reviews were mixed. In the end, I ended up saying to my coworker that he could give Sam my contact info, but that I would likely only be able to fit in dance classes on Sundays. I thought this was restrictive enough that the project would likely fall through. But, truth be told, I actually do want to take dance lessons. And, to be even more frank, after being separated for nearly a year, the idea of having a dance partner is nice. I think we all need human touch. I don't mean necessarily romantic. When you move to a new city by yourself post separation... let's just say that the amount of touch in your life takes a nosedive. So, gliding across the dance floor in the arms of some guy sounds pretty good.

My "Sure, you can give him my info" email resulted in receiving a reply from Sam along the lines of: "Dance is all about commitment and communication, so let's grab coffee and take it from there." I had sort of convinced myself that this wasn't a real set up, that really everything was totally platonic. You know, like my coworker just happened to know of two people who wanted to learn to dance, and they just happened to be of opposite genders. But, even I had to admit that this committed coffee business smelled awfully date-like. So, Sam got my best "I'm going through a divorce, not ready to date, and sorry if I gave you the wrong impression" line. I thought for sure that would scare him off, and that would be the end of that (phew!). It wasn't. So, then I offered to turn 'coffee' into 'tea and cookies' thinking that would for sure make me sound lame (and who wants to date the lame girl who is into tea and cookies?).

Sam was not deterred. Today, when I woke up, this was the email in my inbox:
From my perspective, I met a very smart, cute, and interesting girl at my roommate's housewarming party. And, I just learned that she is looking for a dance partner. I'd like to tag along for ride. That's it. What will come of this? Who knows. I understand that you are in the midst of a divorce, that you're not looking for either a rebound relationship or anything more serious. Friendship perhaps? So, rather than focus on expectations, let's just have fun and leave it at that. I would love to meet you for tea and cookies. Let me know what your schedule is like, and I will work around it.

How could I say no to that? So, I texted him. One text turned into a drawn-out dialogue over the next hour or so. Turns out that Sam does yoga and is into nutrition. He loves to cook. He even thinks my whole gluten-free issue is not a big deal (he previously dated another celiac). I still don't think anything is really going to come of all this on the romantic relationship front, but it's really nice to be treated so respectfully. This guy doesn't really seem to have any ulterior agenda other than maybe hoping that at some point I change my mind about dating him. Refreshing.

Tea and cookies tonight.

Single Girl Snippet: Party, Party, Party

A colleague from work had a birthday party recently. Excerpts from conversations between me (M), my gay friend (G), the lawyer who hit on me (L), a female friend (F) and other random people (R1, R2, R3...). It was a great night.

R1: Is that your boyfriend?
R1 gestures toward my gay friend.
M: No, we just work together


G: So, if I didn't tell you I was gay, would you think that I was?
M: Um, I definitely had my suspicions.
G: Oh...
He sounded really disappointed.
M: I think it's great though! I mean really, there's very little overlap in the Venn diagram of males who would be attracted to us. It's perfect. We can be each other's wingperson.

R2: So, that's your boyfriend over there?
R2 nod in direction of my gay friend.
M: No, we just work together.



 F: What were you guys talking about?
G: That we're both single.
F looks to me.
F: Are you looking for a man or a woman?
M: Man.
F: Oh, so man, but say you met a girl and she was really pretty?
M: Uh, no, still just a man. I think I am sort of unidirectional on this one.
F: Oh. Too bad. You know, I saw my ex-girlfriend in the market the other day.
Verrrry interesting. This particular friend is involved in a serious relationship with a male currently.


M: So people around here seem to think you're my boyfriend.
G: Really? Why?
M: I don't know. We 're almost like a bad joke: "The nearly-divorced girl and the gay guy go to a party..."


R3: So, is that guy your boyfriend?
Points to my gay friend.
M: No, we just work together.


L: Interesting music, eh?
M: Yeah.
Lawyer immediately takes the seat next to me on the couch.
L: I'm (he said his name... I'm embarrassed that I don't actually remember what it was).
M: Nice to meet you.
L: So, you know the host from...?
M: Work, actually. You?
L: Cousin. You from here?
M: No. I just moved.
L: Me too. May.
M: Same.
L: This is a great city. Good choice to establish yourself here.
M: I'm actually planning to go back to [my hometown] in a few years.
L: Oh, that's a great city, but the work opportunities for me aren't very interesting. Much better here. You really should stay here.
I was puzzled as to how this stranger's career should have any bearing on my life plans.
L: We should go out sometime with our host and his girlfriend. What do you think?
This catches me totally off guard. I think it was a legit double-date offer.
M: Uh, sure.
I was so stunned. A polite version of "I'm not sure you're my type" would have been more appropriate.
L: It really has been a pleasure meeting you.
M: Thanks, that`s nice of you to say.
He puts his hand on my leg. I like my personal space. He was a little too comfortable. This was not just a friendly tap on my knee...
L: So, why did you move here?
M: Oh, you know, change of scenery.
I figured a "change of scenery" sounded better than "found out my husband was looking for a new soulmate and decided to skip town."
L: Well, it was SO great meeting you tonight.
M: Thanks.
L: You getting to know the city here?
M: Yeah, bit by bit.
L: You know, the bar scene is so different here than where you come from.
Next few minutes we discussed bars, then:
L: It REALLY has been a pleasure spending time with you tonight.
I'm not sure anyone has ever been happier to meet me than this guy! I don't even think he had been drinking very much.
M: Uh, thanks.
His hand found its way back to my leg. I did not encourage this.
L: I'm going to go smoke outside. Why don't you come?
M: Oh, I don't smoke.
L: Ever?
M: Never had a cigarette in my life.
L: Come outside.
M: No.
L: Ok, well it has been REALLY great spending time with you tonight!


Back to the dance floor
G: Who's your new boyfriend?
M: He's not my boyfriend.
G: Seriously though, good for you! You were just like sitting there and effortlessly attracted a guy. Good work!
M: Thanks. He's a lawyer. Nice enough guy. The smoking thing is an issue.
G: Did you make out with him?
M: No.
G: Why not?! Oh wait - the cute guy is back! Ok, we can't touch or be close, I don't want to give him the wrong impression! I hope he's not straight...


Overall, it was such a great night! I got to know some of my work colleagues better. Had some nice wine. Danced. And, though I am confident the lawyer is not my soulmate, it still felt great to be deemed so attractive by someone I had just met. I'm really glad I went to the party rather than deciding that it wasn't really my thing (which, strictly speaking, is probably true - but this is a year of pushing beyond my comfort zone).

Single Girl Snippet: I Want to Learn From You

Excerpt from a conversation between me (M) and a coworker (C) over apps and drinks:

C: So, what do you think are the key things people need to discuss before getting married?
M: Uh, I don't think I have much advice to offer on marriage seeing as how I am currently getting divorced.
C: No, I think you have interesting things to say. I want to learn from you. So, what would you put on the list?
M: Ummm, okay -- well first, you should talk about finances. Figure out where on the spend-save spectrum each of you are. Also, how you plan to prioritize your expenses.
C: I'm a spender.
M: As long as he's ok with that and you can still pay your bills, then it doesn't need to be an issue.
C: Alright, what else would you include?
M: You need to talk about kids and family. And by that, I mean whether or not to have kids, who will take care of them, how much time you each intend to devote to raising your family. After the birth of baby #1 is not the time to discover that you each were each expecting the other to take parental leave or stay home with kids permanently. And, you need to talk about how much of a priority extended family will be in your lives. A mismatch can potentially create some resentment -- ie. your partner may not want to go to your family functions every single weekend, or vice versa.
C: I like that... Next?
M: Ummm... religion. Religion as it relates to each of you, and especially as it relates to how you intend to raise your kids. If you are expecting your potential spouse to go to synagogue/mass/temple/whatever with you and the kids every week, you should probably clear that with them.
C: Anything else? I'm listening. This is really interesting.
M: Life goals, hopes, dreams. You need to support each other for these types of projects. If you're really mismatched -- ie. one of you wants to live on an ashram in India and the other wants to stay in their downtown Toronto condo -- resentment can build and lead to big conflict. This isn't to say that there isn't room for compromise, but just that any big projects that you think are critical to your sense of self need to be put on the table up front. And similarly, you should talk about your general expectations from each other regarding things like gender roles, household tasks, time devoted to activities outside the relationship.
C: That's a great list!
M: Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.


Anyone have anything to add to the list?

Single Girl Snippet: You're Going to Be OK

 

Excerpt from a conversation with a friend (F) recently over tea.

F: You've really changed in the last couple months.
M: Really?
F: Yeah, a couple months ago, you were so sad. And whenever you talked about the future, you always stressed a big IF: IF I ever meet someone, IF I ever remarry...
M: I've been working hard on the personal growth stuff.
F: It shows.
M: Thanks.
F: It's nice to see that you are finally starting to believe what the rest of us have known all along: you're going to be ok.

Single Girl Snippet: Personal Training

My gym pass included a free personal training session.

Excerpt from conversation between me (M) and my personal trainer (P):

P: So what exactly do you want?
M: You mean like goals for this program?
P: Yes.
M: Well, better overall fitness. And, I'd like to lose ten pounds.
P: What?! You don't have ten pounds to lose. You have the body of a marathoner.
M: Uh, thanks, that's nice of you to say.

About five minutes later...

P: So, would you want to run a marathon?
M: Maybe. It's something I've considered. I've done half-marathons before, but not a whole one. A lot of my friends are marathoners, so sometimes I think it would be fun to join them.
P: Totally. You know, if you lost ten pounds and trained hard, you could do a marathon.

Single Girl Snippet: The Guy with the Dandelion Greens

Click here to read about dandelion greens

Being somewhat new to the city, I'm still on the hunt for the ultimate grocery shop. I am a bit of a health-nut foodie, so finding quality fresh produce at a good price is paramount. My little quest took me to a store in a yuppie neighbourhood over the weekend.

While selecting my organic greens for the week (half price!!!), I couldn't help but notice that the guy a few metres down from me was carefully scrutinizing the dandelion greens. He eventually settled on what appeared to be a fairly healthy-looking bunch from my vantage point, and placed them in his basket beside his cantaloupe. Very impressive. Also, I couldn't help but notice that Mr. Dandelion is, uh, pretty easy on the eyes. Like maybe he does modeling on the side - that kind of attractive.

The store itself was rather cramped, so Mr. D. was always a few metres ahead as we zig-zagged through the dry goods. I eventually skipped an aisle, which brought me to the cash first. Of the four line ups, he chose to stand behind me. Okay, so now I have this very attractive guy standing like a foot away. Whistling along with the radio. So, he's a confident, happy, very attractive guy. It would have been an entirely appropriate time to start a conversation. But, I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. Plus, I'm actually standing at the cash in spandex shorts, a sleeveless top that leaves a small gap before my shorts start, ballcap, and four small waterbottles anchored to my waist. It made perfect sense to me that morning to map my 10K run to end at the grocery store; I didn't exactly expect to run into Mr. D. Yeah, so essentially, I'm there in my sweaty spandex holding three tubs of organic greens in one hand and red wine vinegar in the other. Not exactly at my sexiest and most confident I have to say.

So, I toss out the following:
1 - What would you have done?
2 - What would have been a good conversation starter?

Single Girl Snippet: 5 Dresses

My favourite new dress

Embarrassing confession: I bought five dresses on my way home from work yesterday. This totally violates my minimalist aspirations. However, I succumbed to the temptation because:
1) My summer work wardrobe was nearly non-existent. The last few summers, I worked in air conditioned environments and just made do with my fall/spring clothes. This summer, I am working in a hot building.
2) I found a great sale.
Ok, the first two reasons are just me rationalizing... the real reason I bought five dresses:
3) They make me feel pretty.

Excerpt from cell phone conversation with my mother (O) post purchase. I am standing at one of the busiest intersections in the city.

M: Hi Mom! Guess what I just did?
O: What?
M: Bought five dresses. Like, today. Just now.
O: Seriously?! My daughter?!
M: Yupper. True story.
O: I'm proud of you.
M: Thanks. My little shopping spree came to $200 with tax. Regular price would have been closer to $500. Apparently these dresses are designer dresses from up and coming people.
O: I never thought I would see this day.
M: Yeah, and you know what, I'm discovering I kind of like wearing heels sometimes.
O: Wow!
M: Enough that I may have to buy a second pair to keep my plain black office heels company.

The conversation continued along those lines, and then finally my mom closed with:
O: Well, I'm just SO GLAD you called RIGHT AWAY with this GREAT news!!!

That's right, you know you're a little fashion-challenged when your mom thinks the announcement of a shopping spree is great news.



Another purchase

This is one of the two dresses I bought last week (yeah, as in not part of this week's 5 dress spree...)
I now have enough dresses I could wear a different one every day of the week.
Pretty crazy.

UPDATE: Was He Flirting With Me?

Ladies and gentlemen, we now have closure on the issue of "Was he flirting with me?"

Answer: Yes.


Yesterday, I received an email from my coworker. I will paraphrase it below:

Remember my roommate, Matt? You met him when I had our group over for drinks that time. Well, he wants to learn to dance. You mentioned recently that you would like to learn to dance, too. So, let me know if you're interested in taking tango lessons with Matt and I'll put the two of you in touch.



Photo Source


Here is the dilemma:
Matt is a good-looking guy, a couple years my junior. He was quite pleasant when we met, but I can tell you right now that there is something about him that is a total deal-breaker when it comes to having a relationship. Is it kosher to sign up for tango lessons with him anyways? It makes me feel like a bit of a schmuck.

Voting time:

YES - it's totally kosher. It's not like dance lessons are a marriage proposal. It's not even a formal date. Enjoy the muscle-y eye candy and flirtatious dance moves!

NO - Tango is a fairly sensual dance. Agreeing to to the lessons is kind of like agreeing to a date. If you're really convinced there is zero chance of a relationship, then invest your time and energy elsewhere.

Single Girl Snippet: The Haircut

Finally, I did it. Well overdue, really. It's been almost a year. But, better late than never.
Today, I finally got the post-breakup-hairstyle change. For the first time in over twenty years, I have bangs again. That's right, all you mathematic keensters: I last had bangs during an era when applying hairspray and then backcombing to "poof" your bangs was so cool.

Way more extreme bangs than I ever had, but totally captures that 80's spirit.

 My current hairstyle involves "side bangs" and no hairspray or backcombing. This is more or less what my current hairstyle looks like:

... Except that I'm a brunette, have hair that is a little frizzy, and am about 25 years younger than the person in the picture ("Marion Fedder" -- who is that?)
It felt like such an extreme thing to do, but most of the people I have seen since haven't noticed. Maybe I'll go for something bolder next haircut. That said, the new change in look is really helping me feel the whole 'fresh new life vibe' of this season of singleness. I should have done it sooner.


Anyone else out there opt for hairstyle changes post breakup?

Single Girl Snippet: Just Call Me Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart

I stopped at a department store to shop for curtains on my way home from work. While standing in the middle of the store, trying to Google the dimensions of my Expedit bookshelf so I could select a wide enough curtain rod, I was accosted by a guy roughly my age.

Excerpt from conversation between this guy (G) and me (M):

G: I was wondering if you could help me with something.
In my head: 'No. I can't. Seriously?! Do I LOOK like I work here?! Can you not SEE I've had a really long day?!' Luckily, I managed to smile and say:
M: With what?
G: Well, I just redecorated a room in burgundy and grey. What would you suggest as an accent colour and for lighting?
In my head: 'Oh my God, I'm not your decorator. Ask your girlfriend. Oh wait, you probably don't have one or you wouldn't be asking some random girl in a department store for decorating advice. Ok, I get the whole single person thing. I actually do know a bit about colour theory. Let me think...'
Out loud:
M: I would go with a white/cream for your accent colour, and use indirect lighting to soften the feel of your room.
My advice was met with a very quizzical look.
M: Bounce the light off the wall or the ceiling.
G: Oh! Got it!
His whole face lit up.
G: Wow! Thanks so much!!! That's awesome!!!

And that was it. He raced off to the lighting section. This guy was SO happy. I felt rather guilty about my earlier non-helpful feelings and very glad I kept them to myself.

Single Girl Snippet: But Hey, You're a Babe

Source - click here

On my way home from karate class tonight, I was accosted by a fairly innocent looking guy in his early twenties.

Excerpt from the conversation that ensued between this skateboarder (S) and me (M) at 10pm while waiting for the light to change at the intersection.

S: Just hit my skateboard with your foot. Really hard.
M: What?
S: Just do it.
I had just finished a gruelling two-hour karate class where a wrong move meant your partner would send you to the ground. I wasn't going to give this guy the upperhand.
M: No.
S: Come on, just like this.
He was pretty friendly, and really not intimidating. I feebly stuck my foot on the stupid skateboard.
S: Not like that. Harder. Give it a good kick. No, wait a second, let's try this instead.
He put the skateboard on the ground and pointed for me to kick it in the middle so that it would spin. Again, I feebly made some gesture with my foot because clearly this guy was not going to relent.
S: No, not exactly.
M: Ok.
Finally, the light changed.
S: You know, you were kind of slow to learn the concept; but, hey...you're a babe.
He smiled shyly and nodded approvingly, as though my 'babe status' made my lack of skateboarding skills forgiveable. He then skateboarded off to meet his group of friends.

And, you know, this little exchange was probably the highlight of my day.

Single Girl Snippet: How to Save $9.35

After years and years of pining, I finally bought an Excalibur dehydrator (Aside - after shopping around, I found the best price to be at www.rawnutrition.ca, and you can click here for a $10 off coupon).

Unfortunately, I wasn't home when Canada Post came to my door. The Post Office is a 2 km walk from home. When I showed the Canada Post employee (C) my parcel redemption form, we had the following conversation:

C: Are you alone?
M: Yes.
C: Did you bring a car?
M: No.
C: You'll have to come back with a car.
M: I don't actually own a car, so that will be problematic.
C: Take a cab.
M: Why?
C: The box is too heavy for you.
Now, I am a wee bit stubborn -- being told something is too hard for me is like daring me to do it.
M: How heavy is the box?
C: Too heavy. 25.
M: Pounds or kilograms?
C: Well, there's a sticker. The sticker says 50 lbs. You won't be able to lift it.

M: Fine. I'll take a cab.
C: Go get yourself a carriage to bring it to the front of the store.

I reached over and grabbed the box. My arms barely reached around it. It felt very light. I was in a bit of a snit by this point. I carried the box out the front door. A surprised looking clerk wished me a nice day. I kept walking. And so the adventure began:
-A middle aged guy just outside the door looked at me and said a loud "Phhhssssht!" while shaking his head.
-A few hundred metres later, another guy flexed his biceps at me and exclaimed "Whoa, muscles!"
-People stared. Blatantly.
-One lady made a face at me that looked like Edvard Munch's The Screamer:

I eventually caught a glimpse of my own reflection and realized how ridiculous I looked. The box is big enough that I am fairly sure I could fit inside it and close the top. It wasn't long before the box stopped feeling light and instead felt very heavy and awkward. I was passing through a big park, and I needed to stop at virtually every bench or bike stand to readjust my grip on the box. I tried to do this in as natural-looking a manner as possible. At one point, I thought my biceps were going to explode. So, I ever so casually sat down on a bench and perched an arm over my ginormous box. Oddly enough, no one else in the park was taking their dehydrator out for a walk today.

Finally, mercifully, I made it back to my apartment building. I live on the 3rd story of a walk-up. Lifting the box up the three flights of spiral metal stairs was grueling. However, I managed to get the box into the apartment.

I was exhausted. And starved. Preparing dinner was a challenge because I had no arm strength left. My fork felt like it weighed 100 lbs. Even the banana I ate for dessert was a challenge. (I'm thinking of launching a new diet -- first you exercise your arms to exhaustion, then you try to feed yourself a meal. It would totally work.) Anyhow, the crazy part about this whole silly adventure is that, as mentioned, the postal outlet is literally 2 km from here. According to the city's website, cab fare would have been $9.35. All this over less than ten bucks.  I need to learn to keep things simple.

Single Girl Snippet: Marital Status

Recently, I needed to fill out some paperwork related to my new job. On one of the forms was a large box labelled MARITAL STATUS. It wasn't that many years ago that I would have been thrilled to see that box. Heck, there was a time I would have considered drawing one in myself. I would have proudly printed MARRIED and considered adding a happy face for good measure. Oh yes, this would have been around the same time in my life when every conversation somehow managed to include the words "My husband..."

That time has passed.

I looked at the MARITAL STATUS box and thought Who the heck do you think you are?! How utterly invasive and inappropriate! In what way does my marital status have any impact my career?! A few choice words came into my head that would be inappropriate to include in this blog post. I mean really, who wants to boldly print SEPARATED in that little box? That's right: nobody. SEPARATED is hands-down the least desirable marital status; it even makes DIVORCED look sexy. SEPARATED implies a certain amount of ongoing emotional turmoil in a person's life. SEPARATED is messy, undesirable.

However, I have come up with a happy compromise that will even out the playing field. I propose the form be amended as follows:


1. MARITAL STATUS: __________________________
If you answered 'Separated,' please give yourself a big hug on our behalf and continue to question 3. For all other answers, continue to question 2.

2. Please clearly list one good reason why we would think you are emotionally unstable and/or why we should second guess our decision to hire you (you may use additional pages as necessary). _________________________

Single Girl Snippet: Was He Flirting With Me?

Why do you keep blowing off the guys who hit on you? This is the question my best friend asked me one night after we had been out at a bar together many years ago. We had both just turned 23. It was summer. We were single. I looked at her, startled, What guys?
This is when I was informed of my pronounced flirtation recognition deficit. Sadly, this disability coupled with a fairly pronounced shy streak meant that - unbeknownst to me -  I was giving off cactus vibes to potential suitors. Now that I am single again and contemplating re-entry into the world of dating, I can't help but wonder whether my flirt-o-meter is still broken. Like, for example, the other day when one of my co-workers invited our work group over for drinks this evening.

Excerpt from conversation between my coworker's roommate (R) and me (M) as I am preparing to leave.
M: Oh geez, I have to go. I have dinner plans.
R: A date?
M: No.
The rest of the group chuckles.
M: No, really guys. Not a date. I'm going to be a third wheel, actually. Meeting a friend and her boyfriend for dinner.
There's a murmur of supportive Oh's.
M: It's fine. I'm looking forward to it. Really.
R is on his way back into the condo to get drink refills. I thank my coworker for hosting us, say goodbye to the group, and head indoors with the roommate.
R: So, you live really close, eh?
M: Yeah, less than a five minute walk from here.
R: We'll be seeing a lot of you here, then?
There seemed to be an almost hopeful note to his voice. Big smile. However, I thought this seemed like an odd question. I mean, I work with the guy's roommate; and, I don't even know my coworker all that well. Spending oodles of time at his apartment had not crossed my mind. 
M: Possibly.
More likely, I thought, was that each of us would take a turn hosting post-work drinks.
The roommate smiled, and then reached out and touched my back.
M: Ok, so to get out of here, I go down this hall?
R: Yes. Here, I'll open the door for you.
Note: my hands were empty. My purse was on my shoulder. I could have opened the door.
M: Thanks.
The next part of the conversation was something along the lines of him profusely wishing me great enjoyment in my next work assignment, and me saying that I was really looking forward to the project and wishing him a great summer.

Ok, so voting time:

A) Yes, this was flirting.
Evidence: invasion of my personal space and the roommate's thought that it would be normal - even pleasant -  for me to spend copious amounts of time at his apartment this summer.

B) No, he's just a friendly guy.
Evidence: he spent the evening hanging out with his buddy's work colleagues when he could have been doing something else. He smiled a lot. He made a point to learn everyone in the group's name.

Single Girl Snippet: Intruder?

When I came home from an evening meeting the other day, I found the back door of my apartment in this configuration:

I was positive I had left it like this:

Being a single girl in a very urban milieu, I consistently check that the doors are locked before I leave the apartment or go to bed at night.

Now, the first thing that popped into my head was:
Oh God, if there's an intruden in this apartment, that would be SO annoying. I have stuff to get done and I'm tired.

A more appropriate response would probably have been to knock on my neighbour's door, explain the situation, and just have them leave their door open while I checked the apartment. I did, however, check all the hiding places in the apartment. Mostly because I figured that if this potential intruder was going to disrupt my evening, I'd rather it be sooner than later. My apartment is not huge, but there are five large closets, any of which could easily hide one or more adult-sized individuals. As expected, I found nothing out of the ordinary. Even my laptop, which was lying in plain sight in the livingroom, looked untouched. I still had this unsettling feeling of someone's been here. But, I figured maybe I was just being a spaz. Maybe I did forget the door just this once and the wind was so strong it blew open the bolt that keeps it shut and turned the key? Suuuure... Anyhow, I wasn't going to let it bother me more than that. I was reassured that I was the only person in my apartment, and locked all the doors.

While sitting in my livingroom later that night, I heard a bing. The kind of bing that might be caused by a doorbell. My doorbell had never worked since I moved in. In fact, I had been waiting to hear back from the maintenance guy as to when it would be fixed for weeks. But, I hadn't heard this particular bing before. I poked my head out the door just in case, and noticed my friend was standing at the bottom of the stairwell waiting for me to let her in. And that is how I figured out that the mystery intruder was the maintenance guy who said he would call before dropping by.

Single Girl Snippet: Happy First Un-Anniversary to Me

Today, I invite you to share stories of how you spent your first un-anniversary post separation/divorce/bad breakup (there is an 'anonymous' posting option in the comments toggle menu, if you so wish). Here, I'll go first:

I spent most of the day with a good friend who was visiting from out of town. She didn't know that today was the day. This was on purpose. I'm trying to transition from today being super special to this date being just another summer day. Not making a big deal of things seemed like a good plan. After dropping off my friend at the train station, I ended up going bikini shopping. This was not planned. A store window had a sale sign; I need a new bathing suit.

Three bathing suit stores later and nothing to show for it, I found myself trying on formal dresses on a whim. I gave away all my dresses that reminded me of milestones with my husband, so I thought it would be nice to have something tucked in my closet should a formal occasion arise. I found one little peach number that I just loved. It was very short. I am not. This did not perturb me. This dress was not only super cute, it was on sale. How could I resist? I sat down in the change room facing a mirror. This was when I realized I would have to remember to tug on the dress before sitting down so as not to be indecent. This, for some reason, didn't strike me as especially problematic. Keep in mind, I'm actually a fairly boring, fashion-challenged individual in real life. You know, the type of person who finds jokes like the one below just hilarious:

 Also the kind of person who has probably never stepped out of the house in an outfit that could not also double over for visiting her grandmother. The advantage to this style (if you can call it that) is that when I do dress up, I usually get great reactions because the gap is so big from my day-to-day makeup-free jeans and t-shirt look. Anyhow, back to the peach dress. It was strapless, and ended below my bum but substantially before my knee. Quite fitted. It accentuated the results of my latest workout regime and my new tan. I already had visions of wearing this dress to go sign the divorce papers when the time comes. I had even picked out accessories and shoes (hanging pearl earrings, a cute little white elbow-length sweater, and matching white heels). I would wear makeup and put my hair up (that'll show him).

A longer, looser version of what I tried on

In the midst of my daydreaming about me and the little peach dress living happily ever after together, I dropped something in the change room. As I bent over to pick it up, I noticed my bum was immediately about 5 degrees cooler than it had been. I quickly pieced together (I mean, I am an intellectual badass, after all) that the dress coverage was not sufficient in the bent over position. Obvious solution: wear the dress only to standing cocktail parties and the like, then outright refuse to pick up anything off the ground. I am embarrassed to say it was at least another 20 minutes before the more rational side of me took over, and forced me to put the dress back on the rack and leave the store. I still smile fondly when I remember the little peach dress. I hope it finds a good home.

By the time I got back home, it was evening. I had a quick dinner and then set up for my pity party: computer streaming love songs (I don't own a radio yet), strawberry smoothie (in retrospect, this was probably an occasion where opening the bottle of wine in my cupboard would have been entirely appropriate), and spa products (a wonderful gift from my mother, who very correctly assumed I would enjoy them but would not splurge on myself). So, there I was, by myself in my dimly lit apartment, soaking my feet and reflecting on the perfect summer day not that many years ago when I got married. I vividly remember looking up at my husband during our first dance, immensely grateful that I would never again be alone - here was the man who would be the father of my children, the man I would grow old with, the man I loved with all I had in me. It was precisely at this moment that I noticed my little pity party station did not include Kleenex. Some creative stretching so as not to spill my foot bath on the floor, and that situation was quickly fixed. I continued my jaunt down memory lane. The Kleenexes continued to pile up. It was cathartic. Somehow, the videos in my head of my life with my husband began to sting a little less. Watching the story of our life together unfold from this vantage point, I could begin to see that the end was inevitable -- not that this somehow diminished the heartache, sadly, it just helped with accepting things couldn't be otherwise.

And so, marching forward, my goal is to keep my chin up and accept that my new life is what it is, and that the past was what it was.

Single Girl Snippet: The Maintenance Guy

While preparing lunch today, a middle-aged man suddenly appeared at the back door of my apartment.
Excerpt from the conversation between this unexpected arrival (U) and me (M):

U: Hi!
This guy was clearly out of breath. I live on the third floor of a walk-up. People don't normally show up at my back door.
M: Hello.
He was looking at me expectantly, like I was somehow terribly rude for not throwing open the screen door that separated us. Meanwhile, I was making a mental note to always lock said screen door in the future for moments like these. I gave him my best "who are you and what are you doing here?" look.
U: I'm Pierre.
Yeah, ok, so now that I know your first name I'm supposed to let you in? He didn't volunteer any further information that would explain his presence. I racked my brain trying to think of plausible reasons strange men in their 50s might show up at my door feeling entitled to enter my space. I could only come up with one:
M: Are you the maintenance guy?
U: Yeah.
My landlord had told me that some guy named Pierre would be by eventually to look at the sink in my bathroom, but that was two weeks ago and I hadn't heard anything since. I wasn't expecting the visit to be a midday surprise.
I let him in.
M: I forgot to mention to the landlord that the doorbell and the clothesline are also both broken. It's not an emergency, but any chance they could be fixed?
U: Of course.
He smiled a lot and was running around my apartment on warp speed.
M: Thanks.
U: Ok, so just so you know, I have a key to your back door. If you are not home when I come back, I will just let myself in if that is alright with you.
M: I guess that would be fine.
U: Would you like me to call first?
M: Yes, that would be great actually.
U: Oh, and don't bother locking the screen door. If the thieves around here are intent on getting in, they're just gonna break the window. You're not gonna stop them by locking the screen door.

Lovely.
And with that, he was back out the door. His entire visit lasted all of 3 minutes.